Something of Nothing

We watch the news and she laughs about the wars. They ways by which we legally and morally kill each other Everyday. Cleverly, she says inappropriate things to catch me off-guard. She likes to watch the shock on my face; I know it, but it comes out anyway. I gape. And then she’ll laugh at me, and I know she does not really mean it-but sometimes I am certain she’s evil.

She goes to work early just to brew a fresh pot of coffee for the early newspaper readers. There is only 6 of them these days. All of them are older than 50. This should make her sad, but the younger people come in during the evenings to sit with the 6 computers. As she wonders around her library, she sees them studying.

They add her to Facebook. Two or three, sometimes ten, one time 300, each month. People she doesn’t know. She adds the tally up inside her head. 1029, 1030, 1031.
Sometimes she looks at their profile. Sometimes she thinks she would like some of these people; she thinks about adding them. But she doesn’t. She won’t.
She tells him to add them all when she’s dead.
He rolls his eyes. He probably won’t.

Eyes Upward

Hi, WordPress and all of its people.
I was bored, so I decided to look this thing over. And import a different blog over to here. I will probably come here occasionally to get access to your writings, whether because I am now ‘following you’ or because I am clicking tags to get to the ‘next blog’ and to the ‘next blog’.
I am loyal to Blogger, but I can copy and paste pretty good.
See you around.

 

Flexing

It’s rarely quiet in my home these days. Even now as 2 am closes in around me the television blats in the background; more of William and Kate. I should be in bed. Children always wake early on a Sunday. Why is that? I remember sunny days and being out the door by 7 o’clock myself. The new dew soaking my sneakers, the cool breeze of early light.
Life used to be more than about the Everyday. More than going through the motions of the mudane tasks. It used to be about more than just breathing.
It was just a few years ago when the police officer pulled over Charlie and I on one of our middle of the night drives thinking he was a dirty old man with a teenager in the car. Now I look in the mirror of my 33 year old self knowing rationally that I am not all that old, but I can see the subtle changes in my features. I am aging. Somedays it consumes me. Enough Somedays that it is becoming the mundane too.
I used to think I could live on into the immortal with my words. One of my old Everydays took up too much of my time. Then I started doing things like smoking my cigarettes outside. And then I felt a sense of cynisism and bitterness start to set in. The lack of new and exciting. Just the same old. The same old. The same old.
I guess I’ll start with a draft or two sitting in my long neglected Dashboard…

The Best Part Of My Day

Driving around and it is late and we were drinking cold things that will only keep us awake.
But a cop starts following us anyway.
And five blocks later, he turns turns on his cherries, and Charlie says a swear word and we pull over. The cop drives his car along side us, and windows are rolled down.
And the cop he just stares.
And stares.
And then says, “How old is she? You’re looking a little young to be out.”
I stated my age at the same time Charlie, the asshole, was stating how old I was gonna be.
The cop says, “No shit?” And I let him know I loved him.

To Whom This Does Concern

Your brother came to see me last night. It is funny how the years can melt one into another blurred, uneven, so long, so close. He looked the same, save longer hair. Same easy smile.
And Wendy was here. And Charlie was here. And Marty is always here.
And your brother spoke of you.
Wendy and I, our eyes locked. Duplicate worry. Duplicate pain.
But he told us it was okay, she takes care of you well. And we prayed for it.
Later on, I said to Wendy, “I think my heart stopped.”
And she said to me, “I think mine did, too.”
I went to bed and I cried for you. I felt I had to. Your brother said your spirits were high.
But then I wiped my eyes and I rolled myself over to love. Something you reminded me was attainable, when I had the least belief in it. I would not be where I am now, if it were not for you. I have much to thank you for.
And I will wish the best for you for Everyday.

1000 Days

Everyday I wake-up in the same house and I see the same faces, I see the same rooms, I see the same trees in my front yard.
Everyday my shoes hit sidewalk and I travel to the same place and I see the same things. The same people.
Hey there, Steve and Tracey.
Hey there, Terri.
Hey there, other Terri.
Hi, Sara. Hi, Dakota. Hi, Austin. Hi, Tamera.
Everyday I find reasons to go into the corner store.
Everyday I find reasons to leave this place.
Everyday for 1000 days.
And now I am.
I have made it happen.
Tomorrow when I wake-up, it will not be like Everyday. Tomorrow when I wake-up, I will take down the curtains. I will unload my freezer. I will bag up the fish. I will box the cats.
And then the movers will arrive.
And not just to move me from one end of this city to the other, but to take me to a new city.
I have lived here for all of my adult life. Over one third of my entire life.
I chose this place. It is more hometown to me then where I grew-up.
And now I am leaving it.
I was so happpy and now I want to cry.
I wonder if Everyday I will long to be back here.
Good bye, Steve and Tracey.
Good bye, Terri.
Good bye, other Terri.
Good bye, Sara. Good bye, Dakota. Goodbye, Austin. Good bye, Tamera.
Good bye, London.

I, Robot

Outside the sky looks hazy. I notice my windows need cleaning. Sara runs around in her short skirt and pink shirt. She must be cold. My daughter wears her jeans, at least.
The three boys ride their bike lazily, circle after circle in the driveway.
The Bratz are everywhere. Even coming off of the stereo.
And then they are off to Jamie-Lynn’s, my daughter pops her head in the door and is gone again.
The work is piled up on the desk. A deadline Wednesday. Two deadlines Thursday. One extension until Sunday.
At the dreaded midnight.
Kittens are everywhere. One stupid one always caught under the couch.
And the house is so messy, I wish the city would find a reason to just bulldoze it.
And Charlie is gone.
A polite fuck you and the blocked door.
For three days, I have secretly wanted to strangle any person who smiles, as I smile back at them, but I don’t.
Because smiling.
That’s what friends are for.

I do my dishes first. Placing the glasses along the outerside of the drain rack. Wash silverware. Wipe away at the plates.
I poke my head in the living room, knowing I will have to grab the cups and probably the one bowl that will be sitting on the table.
The sound of the rushing tap water does not make me want to cry. It is, instead, a reprieve. It is doing the job for me.

I wonder what it would be like for someone else to feel it all. Just for ten minutes. Everything that I feel stirring in every part of me. To feel my gut, my throat, the energy coming off of my fingertips as I write this…
Just anyone. I do not care who. As long as they were willing to let me take what they felt.
Because maybe we could help each other figure it all out.
Maybe they have felt what I am now and maybe they have answers.
To whatever it all is.
But I wonder if we would just find out, we all feel the same. Think the same.
We just act out differently.

My daughter comes in the house. “Sara does not want to be my friend. It’s not even my fault.”
She crosses her arms, when I ask her why. “I am going to watch TV”
She watches Scoobie-Doo, until she comes out in the kitchen, where I still am. “Her Dad said I am not allowed to play with her too.”
I ask why and she blames Stephen. She blames Shawn.
“Then go explain to her father.”
But my she gets mad at my advice. “I don’t want to.” And there she goes with the arm crossing again.
And I sigh, “You need to go apologise to Sara for whatever it is you did.”
She glares at me, before she goes back out the door.
“No, Mom,” she says.
And I wish I could just apologize. But neither I, nor Charlie, have anything to apologize for.

I take out the windex and I am out of paper towles, so I pull out the newspapers.
Then I am looking out my window. And at my daughter and her friend. Hand in hand.
“We are going to the park.” The blonde head pops in and out of the door, again.

Kind Of Blue

The boys were playing Flamenco Sketches, in the background and she was looking up at me from underneath that red hat of hers. Her eyes were the same colour as the smoke coming off my cigarette. We were sitting near the back, at one of the tables and not in the office.
She never wanted to go back in there.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Ellie,” I shook my head at her.
“More than this, Addley, more than this.” Her gloved hand waved in the air, stopping on the boys. “My Daddy says I cannot come here anymore. He says niggers are good for nothing, except drinking and smoking their lives away…and that is all I see when i am here.”
“This is all I have ever wanted,” I swept my hand around to show her what she had shown me. I stopped on the boys too and we both watched them play for a minute, before I spoke again. “You’re a big girl now, Ellie. You’re 18. You don’t got to listen to your Daddy any more.”
“I thought I was all you ever wanted?” Her blonde curls bounced, as she took her eyes away from the stage, to flash them at me.
“Baby,” I said, “I don’t recall ever saying that.”

Christmas in July

A warm day, like it had been the last day and the last day and the last day before this day and it was warm day like how all last days have been and will be.
These were the days when fans blasted out hot air, so you turned them off.
These were the days when everything sagged and sighed; the trees, the buildings and the human lives.
This was the the day that was to be the last day that my children would be living at home.

My children informed me of their plans to run away, after lunch.
“We are running away,” they said to me.
“Okay,” I said, back to them.
“After supper,” they further said to me.
“Okay,” I completely agreed with them. “If you want to go, then go.”
And, “Yes,” my children agreed, they would go.
My children reminded me several times an hour of their plan.
I nodded.
And supper hour came and went.

It was quarter to eight, when my daughter asked, “When are we having supper?”
“No supper,” I said.
“What do you mean NO SUPPER?” she replied and she was unhappy.
“I am not hungry,” I said.
“What do you mean? You are not going to feed us?”
“You are running away. Which means you do not live here. I did not recall inviting you to dinner.” I reasoned. I smiled.
“You have to feed us,” she said.
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Then, we are running away now.” My daughter glared at me, straight in the eye, before storming towards her room, yelling her brother’s name. “We are going. Now.”
And when my children came out of their rooms, they both wore backpacks full.
“We packed bags,” my daughter said. Looking smug.
“Good idea,” I said.
“Want to know what we are taking?”
“No,” I said. And this seemed to make my daughter very angry because she grabbed her brother’s hand and pulled him to the front door.
“Good-bye,” I said to them, from the couch.
“Good-bye,” said my son. But I just barely heard him. My daughter was slamming the front door behind them.

Five minutes later, my daughter walked back in through the front door and joined me on the couch.
She did not say anything to me and so I did not say anything to her.

Five more minutes later, my son walked into he house and he stood in the doorway. “Let’s gooooo,” he insisted to his sister.
“We’re not going,” she said. She crossed her arms.
I would have asked her why, but my son became quite loud. He began crying. Like it was the last day of earth. His face was red and suddenly, he was bolting his fists to his side and his neck was strained and he could barely talk.
“I-am-pissed-offff—at–you!”
“Why is your brother so mad at you?” I asked my daughter, with raised eyebrows.
She shrugged, still unwilling to talk to me.
And my son sobbed, “We’re-going-t-t-to-live-at Wal-Mart.”

Oh, Yes, I Am

My Roommates moved out.
And left their cat. My Roommates said they would be back. I do hope they meant for their cat.
Not that My Roommates’ cat requires much, to be honest. Besides a open Front Door once in awhile and my front lawn to roll all her grey fur upon; Smokie seldom even eats here.
And although The Grass is starting to yellow in spots, I do my best not to blame Smokie.
Indoors, Misty is my lovely cat. Misty is approaching five years old.
Misty was unsure that she was a cat. She would growl if someone knocked upon my Front Door. In fact, I am certain Misty really had no clue what she was.
Even after living with Lucy, for a year, back three years a go.
(Don’t you mean Lucifer? The Voice is laughing at me, over my shoulder, as I type this.
And I will let you all know that I only turn to glare at The Voice, for Lucifer was indeed Lucy’s real name.)
My Roommates’ cat has a most lovely growl, as well. Accompanied, usually, with a tremendous hiss. The spitting variety, common to Detroit back alleys, I imagine.
Smokie likes to growl. And hiss. Because Smokie will put on this performance every time Misty crosses Smokie’s path.
Even when Lucy, in fits resembling distemper, clawed Misty to bleeding, my lovely cat never hissed.
Misty hisses now.
Smokie will also spit at my little friend, Prowler.
Prowler also had no clue what she was, but there was still hope, being she has only been in-being for three months.
Prowler has clawed her way through a window screen to go roll on The Grass.
(And everybody likes to sleep on the kitchen table! The Voice dares to remind me. With glee. Say hello to my little friend! Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
Sometimes, I think I should change Smokie’s name to Ashes, I tell The Voice.
Here Kitty, Kitty, I say to the air.

Something For You

…they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and every body goes “Awww!”

`Jack Kerouac
On The Road

Have You Heard?

I started a new Everyday, just over a month a go.
I was able to ensure what I always have ensured before. That most Everyday is another day that I get to open my eyes and my ears get to hear my Alarm Clock Music. Taking place at a definite 7:30 a.m.
Most Everyday.
This should make me smile.
Except for-there is This Bird.
This Bird that makes noise. Louder than all the other birds.
At 7:30 a.m.
I do not know This Bird.
I have never seen This Bird.
And I do not want to, either.
I am already guilty of throwing a cup of coffee out of my bedroom window, last week. And I can blame it on This Bird, if I want to.
I fear I would become Al Bundy, if I ever laid eyes upon This Bird.

My new Everyday can be a lot of fun.
But it is not as…stimulating as my last Everyday.
And The Voice agrees.
Just admit it, The Voice will say to me. You are getting lazy.
When The Voice says this to me, I get mad.
I tell The Voice to Bite Me.

Because my new Everyday has a more…relaxed atmosphere than my last Everyday, I am able to stay up later.
And I like that.
For I am most fond of night.
I tell The Voice, I am glad to find you up with me.
The Voice says, Everybody has a job, Stupid.

Sometimes, because my new Everyday can be so…easy, I find that I am able to stay-up as late as I want to at night. I am never tired.
Sometimes, I am up until 4 a.m.
When all the other little birds are quiet. Because it is still dark.
Except, there is This Bird. This Bird who makes noise.
Before all the other birds.
At four in the morning.
And it is This Bird who wakes-up all the other birds.
And This Bird is the same bird that I know from 7:30 a.m., Everyday!
The Voice just laughs at me, when I get to complaining about This Bird.
Go to bed, then, The Voice tells me what to do.
And I say, I might as well. You could have a least made This Bird a fucking rooster.
That would have been a story to tell.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

A few weeks a go, my son and I were on our way towards home, a short trip to the variety for milk. Terri poked her head outside of her front door.
“You want a cat?” she asked.
“No,” I replied.
“Well, how about a kitten?”
“O.K.” I replied back that time and watched a smile spread across my son’s face.
“You better pick the cutest one,” I threatened him, as we walked up Terri’s steps.
And so the parade began.
One unfortunate kitten had lost his paw, after birth. A neglectful mother bothered not with umbilical cords, and his own had twisted around his foot, and now the stump thumped on the floor, when he walked. Thus he was named, ‘Thumper’.
An ugly cat with a ugly brown circle of fur above her lip was fondly called ‘Madonna”; Terri laughed, bent, as she sputtered the name.
The other four were called Cat. Or sometimes, Kitty.
I had not even looked over the other four, when my son held out a small ball of grey fur.
“She is the cutest,” he said.
“It is a boy,” said Terri.
So, my son and I took the grey cat home. Heliked being outside. His heart did not race.
“What shall we name this cat?” I asked my son, as the kitten reached for my shoulder, to eye everything better.
“Flower,” he said.
“It’s a boy,” I said.
“I like Flower,” he said.
“He does not look like a Flower,” I said, outloud.
We thought awhile, and when we arrived inside our front door and let the kitten down to explore, my son said, “Prowler.”
And I said, “Okay.”

Two days later, Company came, and Company informed me that Prowler was a girl.
The next morning, when I broke the news to my son, he was rather upset.
“How do you know?” he asked me.
“Charles told me,” I admitted.
My son demanded we re-name the kitten Flower.
“She does not look like a Flower,” I said, outloud.
That is when the kitten poked her nose out from under the couch.
“Come here, Flower,” said my son.
“Come here, Prowler,” said I.
And the kitten came to me.
So, I won the name game.
My seven year old son asked me to move out.

Iron Clothes

So, the other night Charlie is over. Sitting on my couch. And Jake is sitting at the computer. Jake is giggling sometimes and it is sometimes worth looking over your shoulder to find out why.
Charlie has the television remote. So, me and Charlie watch an infomercial for ten minutes.
About these ceramic hair straighteners.
Made with REAL ceramic.

So, this very night, Jessyca and I are having a chat.
I am sitting in my living room. Hans Frauenlob is on my TV.
And Jessyca loves my hair. I know this because she always says she does. Tonight was no exception.
…A ceramic hair straightener…she also says these words to me. On this very night.
But, to get right to the point, Jessyca thinks I should try one.

Assholes.

Light My Fire

Shifting

I love Sunday Nights. I try to leave them free whenever I can.

Sunday Nights are the nights I stay up until I do not want to. 3 A.M. at the very least.

Because I hate Mondays. I do everything and anything I want to do for myself on Sunday Nights.

I may or may not answer my phone.

Because I may be in the bathtub for two hours.

Or doing crosswords.

Or might be in the land of fairies.

Or Waterfalls.

I have as much fun as I can on Sunday Nights because I hate Mondays.

The place where I go Everyday has recently requested a required change to my daily hours.

Quite lovely of the people in charge, I thought, when I saw my new hours for the first time.

But I am not going to complain because I am fairly new there.

And because of Mondays.

I do not have to arrive at my Everyday until two in the afternoon on Mondays.

And I hate Mondays.

This is pretty cool, I thought, out loud. I can do things on Mondays. Like sleep!

You don’t even like to sleep-in, The Voice had answered me.

It is still rather like telling Mondays to fuck off, don’t ya think? I had asked.

But it is Sunday Night now. My new hours start tomorrow.

And I have the some sort of disease that made me vomit more than 14 times last night.

Man, I feel like shit.

But sleep is fun, right?

Especially when you can do it until noon, says The Voice. He laughs.

And I just ignore The Voice because sometimes The Voice is so stupid.

I will be ready for coffee again way before that.